allergy pills

She tilted her head back as the water slowly poured into her mouth.

She threw back the pills in one gulp.

They were just allergy pills and Prozac, I just wanted to sound dramatic.

WHy do I always do this

I run away at the slightest chance that I may get hurt

at the first sign of trouble

What if God did that with us?

If every time we ignored Him

He got mad at us

God doesn’t have trust issues

even though He has every right to.

So why do I have such a hard time trusting

Either too much and too fast

Or not at all.

I can’t let these little things get to me

but they do

and I don’t know how to feel

because I’m terrified of being hurt again.

which has always resulted from trusting the wrong people

from thinking people were one thing and ending up finding out

they were completely different.

maybe my expectations for people are just way too high

so that’s why I get disappointed easily

yet I’m so terrified that others will be disappointed in me.

We’re all hypocrites

but it’s hard to see in ourselves.

The only way I can possibly process all of these thoughts

is by typing them out like a bulldozer, just getting it all down

and then I can see where I’m going astray.

Let’s explore both options:

To trust.

Or not to trust.

If I trust, there’s the chance I could be wrong in who I think people are, and I could get hurt. And I don’t know if I can emotionally handle being hurt again right now

IF I don’t trust…there’s not a chance of me getting hurt. I could stay safe, in God’s arms, falling in love with Jesus, growing in who I am. That definitely sounds like the better option right now.

But that also means limiting myself, and limiting God. I know that God can heal my broken heart; He has many times before. But I don’t want Him to have to do it again.

I don’t even know if any of this is making sense. oh well

let’s explore more. so if I don’t trust, that means no chance for intimacy. no chance for growth in that relationship or friendship, because if you don’t have trust, you don’t have any foundation to build on. and we all know what happens when you try to build a house on top of sand

well. there are beach houses and stuff. idk.

 

ahhh. I get that not everyone will like my thoughts. but it seemed like you really did. like you really got me.

part of me wants to think that you’re just like everyone else, only playing the game to get the prize…no, that’s not right. but I want to think that because that means I have an easy answer to my question or whether to trust or not to trust.

it’s easier not to trust

but I’ve heard it said that the easy choice is most often not the right one.

What would Jesus do?

Forgive a million times over.

What would Jesus do?

Give a second chance. and a third. and a fourth, and a….

What would Jesus do?

Love unconditionally.

But that’s so hard…

What would Jesus do?

Love anyway.

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